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2015.

I’ve been away, elsewhere and not here since 2015.  Or the last time I was here, the calendar year was 2015.

And now I must re-familiarize myself on how to even post an entry.  Learn all of the new fancy bells & whistles of the blogging world.  Who am I kidding?  The most I will probably do is figure out how to add an entry.  At least for now, unless I re-commit to daily (or almost) posts.

While being not here for the past two years I have been a busy bee & much living & multiple adventures have washed under the proverbial bridge or down the river & multiple new moons have transitioned to full ones.  The most significant changes & life events have been moving out of state & then back again within a 12-month cycle.  Beginning a new job, accepting a promotion & then immediately resigning from said promotion within a month & returning to the ‘home’ state.  Within that 12-month period, I also lived in three different rentals, committed to the last rental & began putting down roots.  Literally.  Succulents were purchased, repotted & ultimately re-homed.  Furniture & home furnishings bought & assembled as needed & within three months, released.

Yes.  The Big Purge of Material Possessions took place, AGAIN.

Another very long Road Trip happened, AGAIN.

Reason?

My daughter’s medical emergency.  She needed her mama.  My daughter needed me.  And so…

And seven months later, I remain a virtual stranger in familiar surroundings & homeless to boot.  Not in the literal sense of the word I suppose as I have had a roof over my head & even my own bathroom as I have been existing (aka living) in my ex-partner’s whom I am still legally married to, condo. I have not worked or earned any money for the past seven+ months. My biggest accomplishment has been surviving the last seven+ months.

Huge. This accomplishment. Very large. Being still alive. Humongous. Weathering grief, winter’s frigid darkness.

Today I can believe spring has arrived or at the very least is well on its way. I can believe that Old Man Winter cannot & most importantly, will not, last forever. Today the return from a long long hibernation continues, fueled by renewed energy & long daylight hours. Ahhhh, yes. The light has returned to the Far North Land. Finally.

And I begin the preparations for or at the very least the hope of leaving ‘home’ once again. Yep. Yup. Affirmative. Yes. This tumbling tumbleweed is hoping to move, to blow this pop stand, to relocate, to begin anew, to head down the old highway. AGAIN.

A second job interview, this one in person, is scheduled in three weeks in a faraway place. I am on the path to a new adventure. AGAIN.

Life.

Horizons. New.

AGAIN.

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Reflecting back to a year ago as I read through previous posts, private journal entries and summoned memories, I concluded that I am better off in my current moments than in the past already lived times. Better. More. Good progress.

And then the devil’s advocate side of me chimes in, challenging the notion of words such as better and more. Judgment calls, really. Getting my attention, this wily provocateur continues with growing insistence stating that all experiences are just that ~ experiences.  Life lessons if you will.  Or maybe even simpler yet, life in any given moment.  Why, this slightly miffed one asks, do we mere mortals insist upon grading life’s happenings as if only happy contentment is the holy grail.  Life is not meant to be a jazzed up cabaret, my dear, this ruffian extols. 

Growing weary of my now ranting inner nemesis I say, not so kindly, Shut Up.  Shut the F up and get out of my inner sanctuary ~ at least for this moment.  Because in this moment Mister Insister of Multifaceted Existence, you are bringing me down.  Muddying the waters.  You see, I agree with what I believe to be your basic premise ~ all experiences hold value.  I further agree with your assertion that… 

Yada yada yada.

Blah Blah Blah.

You see this morning, Mister Advocate, I am not into deep philosophical preponderances.  I was going another route of simple reflection and simpler yet gratitude.  So back to the beginning of my thoughts I go where I was saying that every aspect of my life is better than 12 months ago. 

  • The vertigo condition, although still with me, is more manageable and being treated;
  • I am working in my chosen professional field and making a financial living;
  • My living space is 200% improved;
  • There’s major progress made in sorting out an “it’s complicated” relationship;
  • An easing and deepening of familial ties;
  • Closer and more meaningful friendships with local friends;
  • New friendships that enhance my life;
  • A renewed spiritual awakening and daily practice;
  • A change in diet, while difficult, is much healthier and life sustaining;

~ more ~ better ~

~ much progress ~

Yes. I am beset this morning with a vigorous assault of thoughts involving various scenarios of my future. None of which appear to include much fun. In the field of psychology, there is an instrument that rates life’s stressors such as death of partner, loss and/or change of job, moving of residence, health issues, and other transitions or maladies.

I am currently grappling with some pretty high listing life stressors, including but not limited to, change in my relationship status, moving of residence, prolonged unemployment, concerns with health and being me. The latter stressor seems to be the one causing me the most turmoil and upheaval.

When compared to other Earth inhabitants’ life stressors in other parts of the world such as Japan, Libya, or a small town in rural Virginia, my set of circumstances and shifting plains seem paltry in magnitude. And in many ways, they are. I realize this fact.

That does not erase my unease, anxiety, or fears. Knowing that there are others who are facing much greater stressors definitely calls up my compassionate concern and grief. And maybe even for a short minute or two, my own miseries and worries subside. But then my mere mortal egocentricities put me and my own life front and center, once again.

So today, I add my prayers with all the others wafting toward the heavens and out into the universe, for the peoples in the world who are at risk from both other humans and from Mother Nature. I pray, too, for myself.

I pray for help in navigating my life transitions, for a respite from my worry demons, for faith in the goodness in the world, and for the courage to fully live my life. I pray to remember that I belong, and am connected, to this Earth and Her inhabitants. Finally, I pray to walk the path of my life in faith and belief in the Universal powers that be, beyond self, beyond good and bad ~ right and wrong.

That is the name that I have given to the vertigo monster that has been inhabiting my body since early February. As some of you may recall, it was just three nights ago that I was able, after 30 nights, to finally lie down for half the night in a prone position to sleep. Riding on the high that only five hours of sleep on one’s back and side can provide, I attempted a full nite’s sleep, lying down.

Well, that little venture proved too much for the monster’s under the bed to abide and after only one hour of lying down, I was sucker punched with another huge bout of vertigo. For the rest of the night I was unable to close my eyelids nor tolerate even a pillow touching the back of my head to help keep my head in the upright position.

It turns out that one’s head will fall forward, back or to either side when one’s eyelids droop. But never fear, as soon as my eyelids would close, the She Devil would wake me with a wave of nausea and vertigo, which would make me open wide my eyes. Until the next droopy eyelid cycle.

Being presently unemployed and without insurance or money, I had been staving off going to the doctor for diagnosis and/or help. The She Devil won out though and I went to a local hospital’s emergency room yesterday morning. IV fluids, drugs, an MRI, EKG and 7-1/2 hours later the diagnosis of vertigo was provided along with a prescription for an antihistimine to help with the nausea and vertigo.

Needless to say, I will be sleeping upright for some time to come. I suppose it’s a small price to pay to keep the She Devil from taking over my body. But dang it all to heck and back, She did rob me of keeping my commitment to posting a blog daily. I should have had some waiting in the wings to simply post. That would have taken too much planning on my part it seems. Oh well. I am back now and I suppose in the end, I get to be the decide-er of what merits success or failure.

And I say the fact that I am up, showered, and writing my post for today constitutes a grand success. So take that She Devil. Be gone! Depart. Quickly. You are not welcome here. Ever again.

love and kindess have been shown and afforded me today. Heart full and overflowing. Over the brim full.

Thank you Universe, Heavens that be, and my beloved dog companion who has gone on before me and looks out for me from where she is now, wherever that may be.

I needed to feel this soon and am so grateful that the soon was today.

Oh, and I stayed upright (no tipping over from vertigo) during my two-hour interview and put my best foot forward. Now it’s a wait and see later. That’s okay, because right this very moment my heart is big and full. To the brim and over the sides.

I would be a good candidate to strut my stuff on the catwalk today. All it would take would be a few adjustments here and there. Like, adopt a catwalk strut. Grow a couple of inches taller. Shrink a couple or three or five inches sideways. Hey, it could be done, right? And catwalks aren’t just for young women, right? Or just for the svelte and sexy. Right?

The reason for this modeling of outfit after outfit while balancing on a little step stool in front of my bathroom mirror is not, as you might think, for pure enjoyment. The balancing alone, sets my nerves on edge as I am still afflicted with the vertigo deal. And the yanking, pulling, and tugging at pairs of various trousers, which all apparently shrunk on their last trip to the dry cleaners, has pretty much lowered my already less than elevated self esteem. I just keep reminding myself not to look down, lest I catch a glimpse of my quivery belly parts, as I shift about trying to get that just right view of my butt. Have to make sure there are no panty lines, right?

All of this mirror gazing is in preparation for another job interview scheduled for tomorrow. I perform very well in interviews, both face-to-face and telephonic ones, or at least that has been case. A skill set that I have been able to count on, one that has served me well. That is up until this past six months when I seem to have possibly lost my interview mojo. To be fair, I need to factor in the part that I am attempting to secure work in my field, near my family, which narrows the hunt by a large margin. So, this quest has me applying and interviewing for some positions that are less than my ideal choice.

Tomorrow’s interview is for a perfect position. All it would take would be working with a different population, a higher salary, and a different work schedule. Throw in being able to incorporate my education, training, and preferred clinical theoretical orientations and, voila, perfection. But hey, I have been without income for too long and I miss collaborating with clients as they strive toward improving their life experiences. And did I mention that I wouldn’t mind, as in I would truly love and appreciate, making some money?

So today’s catwalk balancing act(s) in my bathroom will all be worth it if I can put my best foot forward in tomorrow’s interview for my for now, perfect job. Toward that goal, can you kindly tell me if this outfit makes my thighs look too thin?

[ooooh, that was a good one – made me laugh, just a little, and that is a good thing]

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