You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘humor’ category.

New-to-me-stuff that has me saying “wow!” ~

Liquid band-aids

the instructions say that the product works best on small cuts,

looking forward to the new and improved version that can handle all that life’s gouges

iCloud

has me saying “wow!” in the not-so-good way

more like the you’ve-got-to-be-friggin’-kidding-me sort of way.  Give me back my electronic calendar you M-F’er!

May

the month of May, that is.  How can we be closing in on mid-year already?

Now, that garners a real live out loud “wow!” followed by a “really?  I’m serious.”

Followed quickly by another real time out loud “wow!”

Advertisements

Human life on this planet requires general maintenance, of all kinds and assorted varieties.  Whether one is a city or country dweller, financially independent or living paycheck-to-paycheck, brown or white, Southern Baptist or Hasidic Jew, tall short or in between, mature or an infant, able or other bodied, LGBTQQ or undeclared, living within four walls or without a home, multilingual or mute, plain or gorgeously beautiful, argumentative or passive, a red head or bald.  It just simply does not matter.  Because in all cases, life requires general maintenance.  This general maintenance is also a requirement for our non-human friends and best buddies. 

Yesterday my car, Buster Blue, finally broke through my resistance and procrastination by chanting in an increasingly deep and manly voice, Feed Me Feed Me, Change My Oil, Bathe Me.  Anyone who doubts that cars talk to their human companions, are simply not putting on their listening ears and/or are living lives of extreme denial.  Buster Blue had had enough or in his case, not enough tender loving care.  He let me know, loud and clear and repetitively that his general maintance was overdue.  Long overdue.  So off to the car restaurant (aka gas station) and spa (aka carwash) we drove.  We ended Buster’s day of pampering with a trip to the internist (aka Jiffy Lube) for a total check of his fluid levels as well as checking his shoes (aka tires) for continued good fit (aka air pressure). 

Today, Buster Blue, is a happy dude.  I can hear him whistling a little tune from his warm room (aka garage). 

Buster reminds me that some things in life can be made all better with simple acts of attention and care, also-known-as general maintenance. 

Om.

I do believe my region of the planet has taken its snowy place in the weather history books as the snowiest winter on record.  Fantabulous for winter enthusiasts I suppose.  But even those rosy cheeked ones must be getting just a teeny weeny tiny bit tired of the endless dumps gifts of snow. 

As for me, there’s the matter of roof leaks in my kitchen and limited vision from my windows as the snow deepens, rising up past the window casings.  There’s the growing craving for natural greenery.  There’s the daily shuffling and changing of outerwear to inside attire ~ the continual on-and-off of the boots, the hat, the scarf, the gloves and coat. 

Fatiguing of mind, body, heart and spirit for this particular Earth dweller. 

Ready for spring.  Ready for summer. 

Meanwhile, I suppose I’ll go help chisel the icy news of our snowy achievement into our frozen history books.

Take two ibuprofens.  Drink them down with big gulps of water.  Do it quickly lest you be oxygen deprived due to inabilty to breathe through your nose and only your mouth.  Keep a goodly supply of Puffs with lotion tissues nearby.  Apply Neosporin to painfully irritated raw nose. 

Do all of the above throughout your day and night.  Allow the common cold to run its natural course.

Oh I almost forgot to mention, give in to food cravings and allow yourself to be comforted by a steaming hot cup of tomato soup.  Sodium milligrams be damned.  One’s spirits must be buoyed and nurtured during times of physical illness in order to quickly return to health.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

As you may have guessed by now, I am being visited by a headcold.  I realized that this is the first cold I have succumbed to in over a year.  My memory timeline includes such mileposts as my daugher’s birth year and her age at any given point in my adulthood.  An example being, when did I date the woman with the long flowing blond hair with those deep blue eyes?  Well let’s see, my daughter was about 7 years old so I would have been 26.  Another memory milepost is when was the last time I was able to sleep lying down?  Well let’s see that would have been toward then end of January 2011 so about 13 months ago.  And I haven’t had a head cold since then.  Oh the meandering places my mind does travel when my head is all stuffed up… 

Life is good even with the raw nose and achy muscles.  One cold in over a year just isn’t that bad.  Right?  Nothing that taking two ibuprofens won’t help.

Last evening mi casa was filled to the brim with folks ready to fill their stomachs with hearty fare on their way to winning big time around the dining room table turned poker stake haven.  None of us sweated the small ‘taters such as only one-be gambler bringing their betting money (aka bag of change) or the rules to Texas Hold ‘Em being temporarily lost inside the Betting Brains of the operation (she quickly recalled and/or made the rules up as we went). 

Brew pub food was the menu of the evening along with this host’s mantra of keeping it simple, keeping it simple.  So grilled burgers and all of their accompanying accoutrements of cheese, thinly sliced yellow onion and bright red tomato, sour and salty dill pickles and assorted condiments ~ crispy tater tots, the food item fit for comfort and crunch ~ and, ice cold chunked up watermelon.  Chocolate dipped shortbread cookies rounded out the pre-betting battle game.

Monopoly money substituted quite nicely for the betting exchange and we were off for raucaus rounds of dealer’s choice poker.  We played 5-card draw, 7-card stud and the aforementioned (perhaps variation of) Texas Hold ‘Em.  Wild bets, excellent bluffs, transparently bad bluffs and begging for “do-overs” went round and round the rectangular stainless steel table.  And in the end folks, this host was the last one seated with a lot of cash in front of her.  And you know what?  Just for an instant it did not matter that the cash was fake.  I felt the flush of victory ~

Of course, I did not brag.  I was not a bad sport.  I did not crow.  Nor did I do the victory lap around this rectangular table, making the losers other players move out of my way.  No.  Of course not, did I act in any such way.  But if this host did, she would most certainly not post it on her public blog the next morning.  A-hem.

Fun.  Fun.  Fun. 

If you had been here, we could have high-fived or knuckle bumped or winked at one another.  But come to think of it, had you been here, I may not have been the evening’s winner.  Oh well.  Sometimes opening one’s heart and hearth to a different outcome is a risk worth taking.  I’ll let you know the next time the Queen of Hearts comes to visit.

There can be no doubt left in anyone’s mind of which season has us in its icy grip. And if there was a smidgin of denial left in anyone’s psyche, the number of snowflakes that fell yesterday well into the darkness of the night would have smothered any such ability to compartmentalize or sidestep the fact that King Winter remains seated on his ice carved throne.

Weather records are being broken right and left all over the far flung regions in my corner of this planet. Phrases like “one of the five coldest winters in recorded history” and “the coldest winter in the past 40 years” to the north of us ~ and slightly southeast of my location “the heaviest snowfall on record” ~ to my very own little slice of frozen ground “the coldest month of January” and the “most snowfall to date” of any recorded winter.

Avalanches, collapsing buildings, frozen cheerleaders, massive numbers of moose deaths on highways and a backlog up to two weeks for plow service.

Giddy ski enthusiasts, manic snowboarders, adrenaline seeking snowmachiners and yards filled with snow angels.

Yeppers, folks. We’ve got us a winter goin’ on up in this Land of Yes Virginia It is Almost Always Winter in This Neck of the Woods.

On the morning of a big birthday party you are hosting, when you are feeling run down and are definitely not firing on all of your pistons (at least without a few back fires), one must most certainly do the following ~

get distracted, easily,
go from one task to another
with no apparent rhyme or reason
and under no circumstance, whatsoever,
must one fully complete any one of the
aforementioned aborted tasks.

At least before one realizes that it has been too daggummed long since she wrote a little sumthin’ sumthin’ on her beloved blog.

When I press the Publish button, posting this snippet of my world and happenings on this Snowy and Snow Over Flowing morning, I will have completed my very first official task of this day.

Ta Da!

Wish you could come join in the merriment this evening and stay for a chocolate dipped strawberry, or two…

There has to be a really good reason for me to stay indoors (again) today. Indoors, meaning to not crack the front door open even a tad. There has to be a really compelling reason to stay right where I am sitting in my cozy comfy living room. Because baby it’s freezing outside. Freezing as in really zero and below zero farenheit degrees freezing, frigid, frosting your tush off in a quick minute, cold.

However there are errands that need attending to that require me to go out there. I have cold weather gear that although not fashion forward, does the job in keeping my core body temperature in the still alive range when I am out and about.

Plus, fresh air is good for me. And, I will feel a sense of accomplishment once I return home from running my errands. Additionally, my life will run smoother this coming work week if I suck it up now and bite the frozen bullet and attend to life in the winter lane.

So here I go. This is me getting ready to blast myself out the front door. Yep, here I go. Here’s me being responsible and efficient.

May the Warmth be with me.

I bargain with myself as I walk beside the edge of this astoundingly gorgeous ocean.
The back and forth sounds a lot like this ~

Shell Seeker Self: You have chosen some cool, as in uber cool shells. You have enough.

Beach Walker Self: Okay. You’re right, oh Wise One. No need to be a greedy shell gut.

Shell Seeker Self: Yep. Enough beachcombing for this morning. Now onto the walk part.

Beach Walker Self: Great! All on board for a beach stroll.

Shell Seeker Self: Ahhhh, this feels so good ~ just me on the beach walking and… What do I spy with my little brown eye?

Beach Walker Self: Go by, go by ~ be strong ~

Shell Seeker Self: [Slowing pace ~ stopping ~ squatting ~ picking up ~ gathering]

Beach Walker Self: It’s okay. We all have minor slips now and then. Come on, get your stroll back on.

Shell Seeker Self: Oh Alright, already. [Said in non-compliant voice]

Beach Walker Self: Think of this as your aerobic exercise for the day in a beautiful location.

Shell Seeker Self: Better yet ~ let’s think of this as MY vacation. [Slowing pace ~ stopping ~ squatting ~ picking up ~ gathering]

Beach Walker Self: Well if you can’t beat them, join them [Slowing pace ~ stopping ~ squatting ~ picking up ~ gathering]

~ And a grand time continues to be shared by all ~

As in totally. Stoked.

Who says that any more?
Other than me, that is.

I don’t care if I am the only one on the planet still using such a word and phrase. Never was one to conform.

Makes no never mind, anywho.
‘Cuz it wouldn’t change a thing ~
I am stoked ~ totally ~ utterly ~ stoked.

That is what the sun ~ sand ~ ocean waves ~ pelican sightings ~ breeze + a clear calendar =’s in this woman’s life and times ~

Stoked on life.
Gotz me feelin’ groovy.
As in cool beans, man.
Like totally.
I’m all in, my friend.
Stoked ~

September 2018
M T W T F S S
« Apr    
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930

Archives

a

Advertisements