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Should I stay or should I go?  This question has me off kilter, off balance, out of sync.  Centered I am not. 

It seems this question of where I will live or more specifically, where will I grow roots has been a long asked question.  One that hovers over me sort of like a lazy man’s lasso ~ too loopity-looped to really ensnare anything.  For all the years that I lived in California attending grad school, I was unsettled.  This condition was due, in large part, in knowing that upon graduation, I would be called upon to make a decision ~ to choose between a warmer clime and those whom I call my family.  The choice though is never that simple or at least it feels laden with much more. 

I chose to return to the Land of Almost Always Winter to be close to my clan.  And now here I am again at the crossroad of choice.  Do I apply for a position in a much warmer climate near the ocean or do I take a pass and continue on here?  If I take my familia out of the equation, I have to admit there would still be considerations.  Things like a regular paycheck at a job that I will have held for a year next week, a rented living space that I like (even with the leaky roof) and a few local friends whom I enjoy their company.  And then, of course, there is the little or actually big fact of not having to pack up and move, again. 

Now, some might say that I am putting the cart before the horse.  I mean really, why don’t I just go ahead and apply for the position and then consider all of this other stuff.  Well because in order to apply, I must request letters of recommendation and only want to ask this favor of colleagues if I am truly interested in the job.  Plus, I realized that it’s go time as in let’s get it together and figure out where I am going to commit to living for a while.  If I am going to stay put then I could and should (beware of the should says a little voice) begin taking the steps to open a small private practice in addition to my 4-day work week. 

Come on self.  What’s the hold up?  The hang up?  What exactly is the sticky wicket?  The answers are here within my heart and mind.  Right?  Allowing myself to know what I know is easier said than done in the moment.

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Last night I ended up laughing.  A lot.  Out loud.  Hard.  Really Loud.  Knee slapping.  Reaching over to push the shoulder of my seat mate, laughter. 

 Ahh.  It felt so good!

All of this good time living sprang from my accepting a last minute invitation to attend a movie with a couple of work colleagues.  Doing so was out of character ~ doing something outside of work with co-workers, doing something on a work night and accepting an invitation the morning of the event ~ all, out of my character or might I say, my rut. 

The whole experience felt like a celebration of sorts.  Again, more than one-fold.  The first celebratory reason was the extra hour of evening light that springing the clocks forward gifted us Northern Dwellers.  Secondly, the growing realization that I am returning to life post-grad and licensure status; meaning that I actually have enough energy reserves at the end of a work day to engage with others and maybe, like last night, have a little or a lot of fun.  Cause for big old party if you ask me. 

The movie was hilarious, all about the human condition and relationships with a little projectile vomiting thrown in for a giggle or two.  I know.  You’d have to have been there…  Honestly though, the entire theatre was filled with loud raucous real laughter. 

So here I am.  Currently living the Good Life, one guffaw at a time.  It’s all good, my friend, it’s all good.

All of my life I have been a learner.  An avid learner and seeker of information, new ideas, fresh perspectives, truth, dark hidden places and secrets.  As a returning or non-traditional student in grad school I quickly learned the powers of reference lists and bibliographies.  Keys that unlocked treasure troves of knowledge, research, assumptions, lies, hidden bias, brand new theories based on old tried and true or not-so-true foundations and even more reference lists.  A learner’s paradise or never-can-read-everything-related-to-most-recently-adopted-passionate-topic sort of hell. 

Today was a day of learning and rich dialogue.  A most excellent day spent at a training on a topic near and dear to my heart, interest and chosen profession.  The training module centered around clinical supervision in rural areas working with indigenous people and some of the trainers and participants were authentically present and dynamically engaged.  A most superb day, indeed. 

If there was a phrase that describes me the best, I do believe I would choose that of a lifelong learner.  The process of acquiring new ideas and methods is invigorating.  I am all lit up from the experience of shared learning and am ever so grate-full to return to my sunfilled living room awash in golden sunshiny rays.

December 2018
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