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I’ve been away, elsewhere and not here since 2015. Or the last time I was here, the calendar year was 2015.
And now I must re-familiarize myself on how to even post an entry. Learn all of the new fancy bells & whistles of the blogging world. Who am I kidding? The most I will probably do is figure out how to add an entry. At least for now, unless I re-commit to daily (or almost) posts.
While being not here for the past two years I have been a busy bee & much living & multiple adventures have washed under the proverbial bridge or down the river & multiple new moons have transitioned to full ones. The most significant changes & life events have been moving out of state & then back again within a 12-month cycle. Beginning a new job, accepting a promotion & then immediately resigning from said promotion within a month & returning to the ‘home’ state. Within that 12-month period, I also lived in three different rentals, committed to the last rental & began putting down roots. Literally. Succulents were purchased, repotted & ultimately re-homed. Furniture & home furnishings bought & assembled as needed & within three months, released.
Yes. The Big Purge of Material Possessions took place, AGAIN.
Another very long Road Trip happened, AGAIN.
My daughter’s medical emergency. She needed her mama. My daughter needed me. And so…
And seven months later, I remain a virtual stranger in familiar surroundings & homeless to boot. Not in the literal sense of the word I suppose as I have had a roof over my head & even my own bathroom as I have been existing (aka living) in my ex-partner’s whom I am still legally married to, condo. I have not worked or earned any money for the past seven+ months. My biggest accomplishment has been surviving the last seven+ months.
Huge. This accomplishment. Very large. Being still alive. Humongous. Weathering grief, winter’s frigid darkness.
Today I can believe spring has arrived or at the very least is well on its way. I can believe that Old Man Winter cannot & most importantly, will not, last forever. Today the return from a long long hibernation continues, fueled by renewed energy & long daylight hours. Ahhhh, yes. The light has returned to the Far North Land. Finally.
And I begin the preparations for or at the very least the hope of leaving ‘home’ once again. Yep. Yup. Affirmative. Yes. This tumbling tumbleweed is hoping to move, to blow this pop stand, to relocate, to begin anew, to head down the old highway. AGAIN.
A second job interview, this one in person, is scheduled in three weeks in a faraway place. I am on the path to a new adventure. AGAIN.
Oh my gosh, I have been absent for far too long from my beloved blog. My absence has not been due to laziness, lack of interest on my part, being in a pissed off mood at the blogging community or a churlish attitude in general. Here is the true unvarnished, un-spun, authentic deal ~ I have been ill, very ill, for a very long time. For over two years now. I have shared about my Unwanted and Un-invited Bastard Buddy Vertigo (BBV) who swooped in for an extended visit and decided not to depart, right? Well, nine months ago a new uninvited health hazard Bastard arrived on my doorstep and the BBV invited him into my home and my body.
All of this is to say, that I have been fighting, literally, for my ability to remain in my physical self on this Earth plane. However, when I finally hit the lowest of my low a couple of months ago, I chose to re-claim my healing and to stop looking outward to supposed “experts” such as Western medicine and naturopaths, etc., who were not helping, to say the very least. I also made the decision to place the focus of my energies on my spiritual practices and return to my creative writing and visual art, both of which spark my will to live and make the most meaning in my life. Throughout this entire journey, I have continued to work and provide psychotherapy services to adolescent youth and their families.
I have missed my little blog. I have missed being a part of the blogging community and the connections I have made here. I maintain a Facebook account using my legal name, however, due to the nature of my professional life, am not comfortable co-mingling the two worlds. What I am hoping is that now that I have taken this step of writing a post today that I will be more active once again with my little blog. Most likely not daily but more frequently than once every quarter.
I am thrilled to report that my creative writing is on fire and there is much movement in that area. There is goodness in this world and even though my faith and spirits come and go and I am a fickle creature, I do believe that my struggles are not in vain. Sending out love, compassionate caring and peaceful energy in these early morning hours this Saturday morning.
Maybe I am unemployable.
Maybe I am incapable of working for someone else; for very long. And maybe I am not cut out to be a government worker.
Today has been an exercise in watching and listening to people whose main priority was and is to cover their own asses, thus ensuring proper coverage of their government employer’s ass, which by the by is a very large ass. Meaning there is a lot of ass covering to ensure.
Meanwhile, my ego and self-worth both became larger and more trampled on as the day progressed. Funny thing how wanting to be ‘right’ and its accompanying desire of wanting others to acknowledge one’s own rightness creates a big brouhaha. Inside one’s own head, at least. The one in this case, is me. Time to deflate the old ego mania; to take off the eyeglasses of judgment and inhale a big cleansing breathe.
Oh yeah. Reminder to self ~ remember to exhale.
These past few weeks have been an exercise in cravings, delayed satisfaction, impulsive choice making, setting aside, procrastination, misplacing my mojo, re-discovering my mojo, percolating, marinading, and popcorning ideas, thoughts, theories, plain silliness, deep convoluted thinking meanderings and missing my blog.
What I have been up to and the revolving re-occuring topics in my head have included, but have not been limited, to:
the hour and minute combination of 11:11 and the significance I have ascribed to this time
Spring Fever, which morphed into Sunshine Fever, which changed to Restless Life Syndrome
loving my job, total dissatisfication with the same job, searching for new job, applying for new jobs
retirement preparedness, freaking out that I have failed, as in utterly, to formulate any such plan,
vesting, vacillating between commitment to stay for 3+ years to wear this retirement vest, back
to freaking out at the thought of such a long term commitment
health issues, tipping over, milestones in sleeping upright, off low sodium plan, back on,
yo-yo eating plan
poor body image, hating, shameful feelings, attempts to embrace my physical self
vacations, destinations, monetary commitment toward vacations, gratitude for abundance
Setting aside, walking through, moving around, navigating life’s detritus, waking up, being amazed,
feeling flummoxed, groaning disappointment, side-splitting hilarity, tears of pain and surrender,
loving and receiving affection
Man alive! No wonder I have been absent. That there is whole hella lot of living.
Where I work there is a department called the Transitional Services Unit (TSU) that helps incarcerated youth return to their communities. I understand that it was not that many years ago that this unit did not exist and that youth who had aged out of the juvenile justice system were simply released. Set out on the curb so to speak. Now each departing youth has a team who works with them and on their behalf to help them navigate the numerous changes and challenges.
This morning, I realized that I need one of these TSUs of my very own. Now whether or not I would make good use of their offered services, I do nots know for sure. But I cannot help but think that there might be some comfort in just knowing I had this team of humans who were looking out and ahead for me, even for a little while.
Because where I am today is a familiar place. Familiar but full of danger and darkness. This place where I end up after the ground opens underneath me and I experience the free fall into depression, a cavern of great depth. This time, I did what I used to do many years ago, I pretended I was not falling ~ for a while. That is until either the invisible tether securing me to the landscape of life, separated or the growing velocity of the plunge forced me to admit I was in this place, once again.
I must snap out of my funk. Create toe and finger holds to climb, pull and grunt my way to the surface. Pronto. Today is my middle grandson’s 14th birth day family celebration. I love this boy, dearly. I am to bring the cheese bread. Cheese bread ~ his Grammie’s cheese bread ~ is one of his most favorite foods. To not show up, cheese bread in tow, is not acceptable. I love this boy.
So I must figure my way out of this quagmire of self indulgent angst once again in order to leave my home, get in Buster Blue, drive to the grocery, purchase the ingredients, return home, make the cheese spread, drive to my daughter’s home, participate in the family birth day celebration and be part of my life ~ part of my middle grandson’s life.
Where are the TSU personnel? Hello? Can you hear me?
With or without other human help, I must assist mine own self. I have been in this place before, many times in fact. Surely I must know the way up and out. I will look for some markers and familiar signs pointing ahead.
Should I stay or should I go? This question has me off kilter, off balance, out of sync. Centered I am not.
It seems this question of where I will live or more specifically, where will I grow roots has been a long asked question. One that hovers over me sort of like a lazy man’s lasso ~ too loopity-looped to really ensnare anything. For all the years that I lived in California attending grad school, I was unsettled. This condition was due, in large part, in knowing that upon graduation, I would be called upon to make a decision ~ to choose between a warmer clime and those whom I call my family. The choice though is never that simple or at least it feels laden with much more.
I chose to return to the Land of Almost Always Winter to be close to my clan. And now here I am again at the crossroad of choice. Do I apply for a position in a much warmer climate near the ocean or do I take a pass and continue on here? If I take my familia out of the equation, I have to admit there would still be considerations. Things like a regular paycheck at a job that I will have held for a year next week, a rented living space that I like (even with the leaky roof) and a few local friends whom I enjoy their company. And then, of course, there is the little or actually big fact of not having to pack up and move, again.
Now, some might say that I am putting the cart before the horse. I mean really, why don’t I just go ahead and apply for the position and then consider all of this other stuff. Well because in order to apply, I must request letters of recommendation and only want to ask this favor of colleagues if I am truly interested in the job. Plus, I realized that it’s go time as in let’s get it together and figure out where I am going to commit to living for a while. If I am going to stay put then I could and should (beware of the should says a little voice) begin taking the steps to open a small private practice in addition to my 4-day work week.
Come on self. What’s the hold up? The hang up? What exactly is the sticky wicket? The answers are here within my heart and mind. Right? Allowing myself to know what I know is easier said than done in the moment.
I must admit that I am somewhat of a compliment hound. I soak up others’ appreciation of me and my efforts like a thirsty sponge. A kind word. A few words of acknowlegement of my worth. A bright sunny smile accompanied with a little praise. A nod of the head meant to convey kudos to me for a job well done. All of these inspire me to toward positivity and being my best self.
Self worth is at its best coming from within. Why have our mood and our self view be so vulnerable, so at the mercy of external feedback? Best to have our very own anchor to keep us steady when the winds of life toss us about on the open ocean.
My head gets that concept. My rational analytical brain nods in agreement to this premise, the idea that self worth must come from mine own self. In real time, however, the Compliment Hound and Praise Sponge parts of me actively scan my environment for positive reinforcers of my worth.
Just for today, I choose to appreciate both the Hound and the Sponge. Afterall, I love canines and sponges come in mighty handy ~ perfect complements (wink) to my sturdy well-anchored sense of self worth.
Reflecting back to a year ago as I read through previous posts, private journal entries and summoned memories, I concluded that I am better off in my current moments than in the past already lived times. Better. More. Good progress.
And then the devil’s advocate side of me chimes in, challenging the notion of words such as better and more. Judgment calls, really. Getting my attention, this wily provocateur continues with growing insistence stating that all experiences are just that ~ experiences. Life lessons if you will. Or maybe even simpler yet, life in any given moment. Why, this slightly miffed one asks, do we mere mortals insist upon grading life’s happenings as if only happy contentment is the holy grail. Life is not meant to be a jazzed up cabaret, my dear, this ruffian extols.
Growing weary of my now ranting inner nemesis I say, not so kindly, Shut Up. Shut the F up and get out of my inner sanctuary ~ at least for this moment. Because in this moment Mister Insister of Multifaceted Existence, you are bringing me down. Muddying the waters. You see, I agree with what I believe to be your basic premise ~ all experiences hold value. I further agree with your assertion that…
Yada yada yada.
Blah Blah Blah.
You see this morning, Mister Advocate, I am not into deep philosophical preponderances. I was going another route of simple reflection and simpler yet gratitude. So back to the beginning of my thoughts I go where I was saying that every aspect of my life is better than 12 months ago.
- The vertigo condition, although still with me, is more manageable and being treated;
- I am working in my chosen professional field and making a financial living;
- My living space is 200% improved;
- There’s major progress made in sorting out an “it’s complicated” relationship;
- An easing and deepening of familial ties;
- Closer and more meaningful friendships with local friends;
- New friendships that enhance my life;
- A renewed spiritual awakening and daily practice;
- A change in diet, while difficult, is much healthier and life sustaining;
~ more ~ better ~
~ much progress ~
I almost lost my mind
I almost went crazy
almost went I, when I instinctively went to roll over on my left side while I was almost sleeping last night. Oh my oh my!
I caught my mind in mid-roll, or turn, since it is difficult to roll in an upright position. Yes, I was able to abort my craziness most likely saving myself from a severe visit from my Bastard Buddy Vertigo (BBV).
Sleep disturbances due to this BBV or more aptly put, trying to avoid visits from my unwelcome BBV, has left me a wee bit cranky and exhausted this week. Smushing my work week into four days in order to relish my three day weekends is well worth the long hours during those four work days. In fact this kind of flexible schedule helps greatly in keeping me an employee at this juncture in my career. But like all things, great and not so great, there’s always the accompanying perks and detractors. The downside of the deal is that I am often done in and used up by the time I unlock my front door and walk into my sweet abode at the end of the day.
Long hours, tired brain, sleep disruption, upgrading my smart phone and figuring out all of the new technology, changes and uncertainty in the workplace, sleeping upright for almost 13 months and uber cold and still too dark days have taken their toll this week.
But you know what?
I am ever so grateful that I stopped my body from following the crazy not good for me impulse`to roll over. Cuz I know from past experience that nothing good was going to come of that and that the quality of my life could have taken a nose dive (no pun intended but apropos). I’ll take a little grumpy and a mediocre exhaustion over longlasting vertigo attacks any day or night.
That, and the fact that winter is passing and we are gaining 5 minutes of daylight back daily, have me almost feeling good to go. Good thing that I have a little while to sip my hot comforting tea from my favorita pottery mug before I have to go about my day outside of my warm home.