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I’ve been away, elsewhere and not here since 2015. Or the last time I was here, the calendar year was 2015.
And now I must re-familiarize myself on how to even post an entry. Learn all of the new fancy bells & whistles of the blogging world. Who am I kidding? The most I will probably do is figure out how to add an entry. At least for now, unless I re-commit to daily (or almost) posts.
While being not here for the past two years I have been a busy bee & much living & multiple adventures have washed under the proverbial bridge or down the river & multiple new moons have transitioned to full ones. The most significant changes & life events have been moving out of state & then back again within a 12-month cycle. Beginning a new job, accepting a promotion & then immediately resigning from said promotion within a month & returning to the ‘home’ state. Within that 12-month period, I also lived in three different rentals, committed to the last rental & began putting down roots. Literally. Succulents were purchased, repotted & ultimately re-homed. Furniture & home furnishings bought & assembled as needed & within three months, released.
Yes. The Big Purge of Material Possessions took place, AGAIN.
Another very long Road Trip happened, AGAIN.
My daughter’s medical emergency. She needed her mama. My daughter needed me. And so…
And seven months later, I remain a virtual stranger in familiar surroundings & homeless to boot. Not in the literal sense of the word I suppose as I have had a roof over my head & even my own bathroom as I have been existing (aka living) in my ex-partner’s whom I am still legally married to, condo. I have not worked or earned any money for the past seven+ months. My biggest accomplishment has been surviving the last seven+ months.
Huge. This accomplishment. Very large. Being still alive. Humongous. Weathering grief, winter’s frigid darkness.
Today I can believe spring has arrived or at the very least is well on its way. I can believe that Old Man Winter cannot & most importantly, will not, last forever. Today the return from a long long hibernation continues, fueled by renewed energy & long daylight hours. Ahhhh, yes. The light has returned to the Far North Land. Finally.
And I begin the preparations for or at the very least the hope of leaving ‘home’ once again. Yep. Yup. Affirmative. Yes. This tumbling tumbleweed is hoping to move, to blow this pop stand, to relocate, to begin anew, to head down the old highway. AGAIN.
A second job interview, this one in person, is scheduled in three weeks in a faraway place. I am on the path to a new adventure. AGAIN.
already here. the day that was yesterday that was meant to be the other day so that I could write a post on my blog today two days ago. but it, the day, or more aptly put, the days already have passed. so quickly. they are gone. history.
And so it is
that I am here in this moment writing that I am still here in the blogosphere. That my blog is always in my heart and never far from my conscious thoughts. Even when those thoughts and ideas and emotions and happenings and daily minutia and big deals and little ordeals don’t make it onto the screen ~ I am still here.
And so it is
that autumn has returned to the Land of Already Freezing Ground North Land. The past few days have gifted us with glorious sun. Golden sun rays that followed weeks of record rain fall, and record windstorms and flooding.
And so it is
that the sun is loved and beloved and cherished
Big news ~ that little diddy.
And so it is
that I am pleased to write some words on this first day of October. to write some words on any day actually. just glad.
When the missing out weighs the dragging of the feet, then I return. Please consider yourself missed my dear little faithful blog. The trite phrase that you are never far from my thoughts and always in my heart, is true. The ensuing guilt of my absence when prolonged, true as well.
I have suffered physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually with an ongoing vertigo condition that has had me by what some state crudely the “short and curlies’ for almost two years. I have been on a new regiment of medication and yesterday passed a milestone test at my specialist’s office of being able to lie down without a vertigo attack being triggered. This my dear blog was, and is, huge in the life of me.
Last night was a rough one rest wise as I had a tough time trusting the process as the last time I attempted to truly lie down to sleep, I ended up in the emergency room due to the extreme nature of the vertigo attack. So I experimented a lot with different angles and never did quite allow myself to totally lie flat. That’s okay. I can ease into this new “old” way of sleeping. Just the fact that lying horizontally is now an option is a miracle that still has me in a bit of a humbled stunned state.
How long this will last or what comes next with the vertigo condition, I do not know. That little saying of “one day at a time” seems very appropriate here. For now, I am thanking the Universe, my Birth Day Gods and Goddesses (as that was my birth day wish as I blew out my candle), Annie Rosa Lee Dog’s spirit and my Guardian Angels that be for this respite and/or total healing.
All of that and a gorgeous blue skied day with an abundance of sunny rays.
Life is good, my friend. Sweet. Just like a cool glass of Southern tea.
My absence from my blog has been due to my physical health related problems. That, and my ensuing depression. All of which have gotten me to the place I am today ~ inside the House of Truth. At least The House of Truth as I know it today, in this moment at this particular juncture in time, at this fork of this road.
I have returned to therapy. About time. That’s right. About motherfucking time. Or would that be about mother fucking time? Whatever. It is time. And I am doing it. Not fucking. Not even fucking around ~ not this time. I am participating in therapy in a different way than ever I have done before two weeks ago.
Meaning? I am raw. real. no pretenses. no good girl persona. no bad girl disguise. defenses, gone baby gone. Why? How? Why now? I am just ready. That. And writing a check for $175 for a 50 minute hour seems to keep me on point. Cuts through the bullshit. Stops the spin before the tales get spun, if you receive my meaning. And I hope she does. My treating psychologist that is.
In order to be here, one must go there but the going there, requires no physical departure; at least for today.
My thoughts and inner visioning have been hijacked. A few days before now, my eyes drank in the images of temples ~ hanging cliff temples. And ever since that first viewing when my soul leapt with recognition, my core began a slow drumming. The beat of this internal drum, thrumming through me; my body responds with a re-awakening and yearning to return to mountain peak, where I surely have lived in some yesteryear. Forgotten, until now.
This drumming back to consciousness, caused my limiting thoughts and jailhouse rules and boundaries to spring into action; to speak out loud their automatic chastisement. You cannot go, you would surely perish. Only the fit of body and the most holy of spirits belong on that journey above the clouds. Remember your fear of heights. You would most certainly slip and fall, causing great disaster and inconvenience to others. You cannot go, you would surely perish.
So in preparation for this journey, which I must surely embark upon, the first steps are to soothe my protector’s fears and to loosen my jailer’s clawlike hold. For my journey, you see, has most certainly already begun and I have not yet perished.
These past few weeks have been an exercise in cravings, delayed satisfaction, impulsive choice making, setting aside, procrastination, misplacing my mojo, re-discovering my mojo, percolating, marinading, and popcorning ideas, thoughts, theories, plain silliness, deep convoluted thinking meanderings and missing my blog.
What I have been up to and the revolving re-occuring topics in my head have included, but have not been limited, to:
the hour and minute combination of 11:11 and the significance I have ascribed to this time
Spring Fever, which morphed into Sunshine Fever, which changed to Restless Life Syndrome
loving my job, total dissatisfication with the same job, searching for new job, applying for new jobs
retirement preparedness, freaking out that I have failed, as in utterly, to formulate any such plan,
vesting, vacillating between commitment to stay for 3+ years to wear this retirement vest, back
to freaking out at the thought of such a long term commitment
health issues, tipping over, milestones in sleeping upright, off low sodium plan, back on,
yo-yo eating plan
poor body image, hating, shameful feelings, attempts to embrace my physical self
vacations, destinations, monetary commitment toward vacations, gratitude for abundance
Setting aside, walking through, moving around, navigating life’s detritus, waking up, being amazed,
feeling flummoxed, groaning disappointment, side-splitting hilarity, tears of pain and surrender,
loving and receiving affection
Man alive! No wonder I have been absent. That there is whole hella lot of living.
Where I work there is a department called the Transitional Services Unit (TSU) that helps incarcerated youth return to their communities. I understand that it was not that many years ago that this unit did not exist and that youth who had aged out of the juvenile justice system were simply released. Set out on the curb so to speak. Now each departing youth has a team who works with them and on their behalf to help them navigate the numerous changes and challenges.
This morning, I realized that I need one of these TSUs of my very own. Now whether or not I would make good use of their offered services, I do nots know for sure. But I cannot help but think that there might be some comfort in just knowing I had this team of humans who were looking out and ahead for me, even for a little while.
Because where I am today is a familiar place. Familiar but full of danger and darkness. This place where I end up after the ground opens underneath me and I experience the free fall into depression, a cavern of great depth. This time, I did what I used to do many years ago, I pretended I was not falling ~ for a while. That is until either the invisible tether securing me to the landscape of life, separated or the growing velocity of the plunge forced me to admit I was in this place, once again.
I must snap out of my funk. Create toe and finger holds to climb, pull and grunt my way to the surface. Pronto. Today is my middle grandson’s 14th birth day family celebration. I love this boy, dearly. I am to bring the cheese bread. Cheese bread ~ his Grammie’s cheese bread ~ is one of his most favorite foods. To not show up, cheese bread in tow, is not acceptable. I love this boy.
So I must figure my way out of this quagmire of self indulgent angst once again in order to leave my home, get in Buster Blue, drive to the grocery, purchase the ingredients, return home, make the cheese spread, drive to my daughter’s home, participate in the family birth day celebration and be part of my life ~ part of my middle grandson’s life.
Where are the TSU personnel? Hello? Can you hear me?
With or without other human help, I must assist mine own self. I have been in this place before, many times in fact. Surely I must know the way up and out. I will look for some markers and familiar signs pointing ahead.
Should I stay or should I go? This question has me off kilter, off balance, out of sync. Centered I am not.
It seems this question of where I will live or more specifically, where will I grow roots has been a long asked question. One that hovers over me sort of like a lazy man’s lasso ~ too loopity-looped to really ensnare anything. For all the years that I lived in California attending grad school, I was unsettled. This condition was due, in large part, in knowing that upon graduation, I would be called upon to make a decision ~ to choose between a warmer clime and those whom I call my family. The choice though is never that simple or at least it feels laden with much more.
I chose to return to the Land of Almost Always Winter to be close to my clan. And now here I am again at the crossroad of choice. Do I apply for a position in a much warmer climate near the ocean or do I take a pass and continue on here? If I take my familia out of the equation, I have to admit there would still be considerations. Things like a regular paycheck at a job that I will have held for a year next week, a rented living space that I like (even with the leaky roof) and a few local friends whom I enjoy their company. And then, of course, there is the little or actually big fact of not having to pack up and move, again.
Now, some might say that I am putting the cart before the horse. I mean really, why don’t I just go ahead and apply for the position and then consider all of this other stuff. Well because in order to apply, I must request letters of recommendation and only want to ask this favor of colleagues if I am truly interested in the job. Plus, I realized that it’s go time as in let’s get it together and figure out where I am going to commit to living for a while. If I am going to stay put then I could and should (beware of the should says a little voice) begin taking the steps to open a small private practice in addition to my 4-day work week.
Come on self. What’s the hold up? The hang up? What exactly is the sticky wicket? The answers are here within my heart and mind. Right? Allowing myself to know what I know is easier said than done in the moment.
Please help me
shed my ego
So that I may be
present in the moment.
The real me
not the puffed up ego driven me.
Please help me
be of service to my
through the gift of being
present and teachable
with my ear to the hearts of others.
Not ready, yet.
Just the other day, which at this stage of my life can mean a couple of weeks or months ago, I realized that if I were to die in that moment I would not feel ready to take my leave of this life time. This realization arrived with no small surprise. You see, I have spent big chunks of energy, time, effort, imagination and sheer will power to keep my precarious hold to this earthly planet. And that is not to speak of my multiple beseechings of the Universal Powers to alternately open my eyes to the wonders that this life has to offer or to take me quickly to another place, another planet, another existence or to simply extinguish my flickering flame altogether.
I have struggled with varying gradations of melancholy and depression as far back as my memories travel. Years of spiritual searching and guidance seeking ~frequent findings and losings of faith ~ years worth of various therapies ~ book after book of helping myself books read, re-read, dog-eared and cursed ~ multiple sundry eating plans, herbs and self-medication, followed by much self castigation with equal amounts of guilt for being so un-grateful for life’s abundance.
Scattered amongst this turmoiled angst, moments and sometimes days of brightened mood. Such a welcome respite in a choppy sea of deep blue and inky black depths.
A certain thought has cropped up now and then of ‘if I were to die right now… .” The thought followed by a variation of ‘it wouldn’t be a moment too soon’ or ‘a perfect moment to leave.’ So one might understand a bit more the surprise, the startle if you will, that I felt with that initial response of ‘no, I am not ready.’ Not ready to leave this life, my life, in this moment. As I have mulled over this new response, which has remained, I have come to understand that my life feels more precious to me than in the past. Many other realizations have crystallized as the marinading of this new experience continues.
Today though I wanted to share that I am here. I am alive. I am not ready to leave. I am living.