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Reflecting back to a year ago as I read through previous posts, private journal entries and summoned memories, I concluded that I am better off in my current moments than in the past already lived times. Better. More. Good progress.

And then the devil’s advocate side of me chimes in, challenging the notion of words such as better and more. Judgment calls, really. Getting my attention, this wily provocateur continues with growing insistence stating that all experiences are just that ~ experiences.  Life lessons if you will.  Or maybe even simpler yet, life in any given moment.  Why, this slightly miffed one asks, do we mere mortals insist upon grading life’s happenings as if only happy contentment is the holy grail.  Life is not meant to be a jazzed up cabaret, my dear, this ruffian extols. 

Growing weary of my now ranting inner nemesis I say, not so kindly, Shut Up.  Shut the F up and get out of my inner sanctuary ~ at least for this moment.  Because in this moment Mister Insister of Multifaceted Existence, you are bringing me down.  Muddying the waters.  You see, I agree with what I believe to be your basic premise ~ all experiences hold value.  I further agree with your assertion that… 

Yada yada yada.

Blah Blah Blah.

You see this morning, Mister Advocate, I am not into deep philosophical preponderances.  I was going another route of simple reflection and simpler yet gratitude.  So back to the beginning of my thoughts I go where I was saying that every aspect of my life is better than 12 months ago. 

  • The vertigo condition, although still with me, is more manageable and being treated;
  • I am working in my chosen professional field and making a financial living;
  • My living space is 200% improved;
  • There’s major progress made in sorting out an “it’s complicated” relationship;
  • An easing and deepening of familial ties;
  • Closer and more meaningful friendships with local friends;
  • New friendships that enhance my life;
  • A renewed spiritual awakening and daily practice;
  • A change in diet, while difficult, is much healthier and life sustaining;

~ more ~ better ~

~ much progress ~

Events in my week conspired to remind me in multiple modalities to keep things simple. To return to the simple ways of life. To actively re-incorporate simplicity into my clinical work with the youth whom I serve and their families. To embrace myself through acts of simple acceptance. To uncomplicate my life in order to continue to thrive and grow instead of reverting to merely surviving.

I participated in a training workshop focused on delivering services to individuals who are considered cognitively impaired. The material reminded me that therapeutic progress is a journey. Reminded me that often times progress made by one’s soul or spirit cannot and should not be subjected to statistical analysis. No standard deviations nor quantitative studies need apply.

Change, even when defined as positive and maybe even more so when it is, has a split personality. At once both life changing and simple. Simplicity in its finest and most elemental form.

So at the end of this particular week, I am filled with a simple appreciation for my life ~ the part already lived ~ the moment I am experincing ~ and the part I anticipate with simple faith ahead of me.

I almost lost my mind
I almost went crazy
Buck Crazy,
almost went I, when I instinctively went to roll over on my left side while I was almost sleeping last night. Oh my oh my!

I caught my mind in mid-roll, or turn, since it is difficult to roll in an upright position. Yes, I was able to abort my craziness most likely saving myself from a severe visit from my Bastard Buddy Vertigo (BBV).

Sleep disturbances due to this BBV or more aptly put, trying to avoid visits from my unwelcome BBV, has left me a wee bit cranky and exhausted this week. Smushing my work week into four days in order to relish my three day weekends is well worth the long hours during those four work days. In fact this kind of flexible schedule helps greatly in keeping me an employee at this juncture in my career. But like all things, great and not so great, there’s always the accompanying perks and detractors. The downside of the deal is that I am often done in and used up by the time I unlock my front door and walk into my sweet abode at the end of the day.

Long hours, tired brain, sleep disruption, upgrading my smart phone and figuring out all of the new technology, changes and uncertainty in the workplace, sleeping upright for almost 13 months and uber cold and still too dark days have taken their toll this week.

But you know what?
I am ever so grateful that I stopped my body from following the crazy not good for me impulse`to roll over. Cuz I know from past experience that nothing good was going to come of that and that the quality of my life could have taken a nose dive (no pun intended but apropos). I’ll take a little grumpy and a mediocre exhaustion over longlasting vertigo attacks any day or night.

That, and the fact that winter is passing and we are gaining 5 minutes of daylight back daily, have me almost feeling good to go. Good thing that I have a little while to sip my hot comforting tea from my favorita pottery mug before I have to go about my day outside of my warm home.

I went for a little visit over at http://www.joythebaker.com/blog/2011/12/make-a-time-capsule/.   And since then, Joy’s idea of creating a time capsule has been popcorning around in my head.

Popcorning, careening, burbling and marinading

Since I have barely been able to stifle my creative self’s unmitigated joy and enthusiasm for this project, it looks highly possible that I will be fashioning a time capsule of my very own.

I love the idea of intentionally placing mementos and reminders of my life today into a receptacle that will not be opened or peeked at for seven whole years. In our short human lifespan, a lot of life and living is crammed into seven years. A whole of experiences, ups and downs, ins and outs, progress toward goals, shape shifting  and imagined dreams.

As well as a whole lot of forgetting of daily living, goals identified that prove to be so fleeting one cannot recall them seven years in the future. Yes, the body of what I remember is not as large as what I have forgotten in my conscious mind.

What a great project idea and the timing is impeccable. Don’t you think?
Let’s do it!
Let’s make our own time capsules!

Thank you, Joy, for the suggestion ~

Life experience. There’s nothing like it. There’s nothing that can take its place. Life lessons.

Lessons learned yesterday, one week before, several years previous, a decade or two in the past. These life lessons when learned and understood, add to our wisdom.

Today, I benefited from life lessons and experiences that began many years ago and continued to come around the bend quite frequently. These particular lessons were tough to live through. At times these experiences challenged my belief in human goodness.

Some might say that I survived these particular life lessons. Today’s experience reminded me that I am more than a survivor ~ I am a thriver.

Speaking truth to power.
Without breaking a sweat.

I love my chosen profession. My natural curiosity into what makes people tick and a generally empathetic nature are qualities that serve me well as a psychologist.

I have heard people say that nothing in life surprises them ~ implying that they have either witnessed and/or experienced first-hand so much misery or astounding miracles that they are now impervious to anything else that life could reveal.

Me, on the other hand, find myself continually surprised by human nature, of what our species can accomplish, create, destroy, deny, manfiest, spring back from, endure and the list goes on and on. The ways in which people regularly surprise me in their behaviors or actions is, indeed, a lengthy list.

I am grateful for the capacity to be surprised by our very natures, reactions, responses, resiliency, and behaviors. These surprises enrich my life, educate me, broaden my perspectives, inspire me, illuminate my blind spots, and strengthen me, which in turn improves my ability to deliver competent and compassionate services to my clients.

Today, I was surprised.
Today, I grew.
Growth is good.

Wishes. On my mind of late. Glimpses of things ~ activities ~ adventures ~ special moments ~ that I hope to experience in this life time.

Something about the 50-year range in a human lifespan that prompts one to become aware that there are more days already lived than days that will unfold in the future. This is not a morbid train of thought. Simply a life truth at this juncture in time ~ at this time in my life.

I reject the term bucket list. I just plain do not like the phraseology.
I refuse to plunk my wishes hopes and goals into a bucket.
Particularly not a galvanized metal bucket.
The kind with a handle that squeaks when lifted.

Instead, the container for my wishes is a pretty one ~ velvety brilliant and sparkly all at once. And in this perfectly weighted beautiful container, the following hoped for experiences await their turn to become reality ~

~ be fitted for a squirrel flying suit and go soaring from a cliff, safe landing and all

~ tandem skydive, with skilled partner, safe landing and all

~ return to actively creating art, particularly collage pieces

~ private practice, a collaboration with other like-minded clinicians of color

~ accept and embrace my physical self

~ let go of my fears, particularly the ones I use to hold me and my life’s progress hostage

This list is incomplete and is continually refreshed revised and amended. Life is great that way ~ we get to change our minds. And we get to make different choices.

My Thriday has come around again.
Not one minute too soon or too late really.
Right on time actually.

I put in a solid work week that required lots of thought, challenging of beliefs, exercising my brain muscle, expanding my experience realm and providing good mental health services. A satisfactory and satisfying work week it has been.

Making me all the more glad and grateful that my Thriday has come around, again.

Down for the count. That’s where I am right this very moment of these past two days. Struck down. By my Bastard of an Un-Wanted Buddy Vertigo.

Conducting work from home yesterday via phone and email.

Oh how I long to be free, totally free, of this condition.
That is my prayer of begging today Universal Powers that Be.

It is enough today that I made it through my work day. Enough that I showed up. Showed up, where and when I said that I would.

Enough that I took care of business without tipping over.
At least in front of anyone else.

June 2019
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