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2015.

I’ve been away, elsewhere and not here since 2015.  Or the last time I was here, the calendar year was 2015.

And now I must re-familiarize myself on how to even post an entry.  Learn all of the new fancy bells & whistles of the blogging world.  Who am I kidding?  The most I will probably do is figure out how to add an entry.  At least for now, unless I re-commit to daily (or almost) posts.

While being not here for the past two years I have been a busy bee & much living & multiple adventures have washed under the proverbial bridge or down the river & multiple new moons have transitioned to full ones.  The most significant changes & life events have been moving out of state & then back again within a 12-month cycle.  Beginning a new job, accepting a promotion & then immediately resigning from said promotion within a month & returning to the ‘home’ state.  Within that 12-month period, I also lived in three different rentals, committed to the last rental & began putting down roots.  Literally.  Succulents were purchased, repotted & ultimately re-homed.  Furniture & home furnishings bought & assembled as needed & within three months, released.

Yes.  The Big Purge of Material Possessions took place, AGAIN.

Another very long Road Trip happened, AGAIN.

Reason?

My daughter’s medical emergency.  She needed her mama.  My daughter needed me.  And so…

And seven months later, I remain a virtual stranger in familiar surroundings & homeless to boot.  Not in the literal sense of the word I suppose as I have had a roof over my head & even my own bathroom as I have been existing (aka living) in my ex-partner’s whom I am still legally married to, condo. I have not worked or earned any money for the past seven+ months. My biggest accomplishment has been surviving the last seven+ months.

Huge. This accomplishment. Very large. Being still alive. Humongous. Weathering grief, winter’s frigid darkness.

Today I can believe spring has arrived or at the very least is well on its way. I can believe that Old Man Winter cannot & most importantly, will not, last forever. Today the return from a long long hibernation continues, fueled by renewed energy & long daylight hours. Ahhhh, yes. The light has returned to the Far North Land. Finally.

And I begin the preparations for or at the very least the hope of leaving ‘home’ once again. Yep. Yup. Affirmative. Yes. This tumbling tumbleweed is hoping to move, to blow this pop stand, to relocate, to begin anew, to head down the old highway. AGAIN.

A second job interview, this one in person, is scheduled in three weeks in a faraway place. I am on the path to a new adventure. AGAIN.

Life.

Horizons. New.

AGAIN.

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You know that old saying, the one that goes something like, be careful for what you wish, you might just receive it or some such thing.  I have never been a big fan of that particular saying.  As life seems to enjoy a good laugh or two, at my expense (or so it seems), this week I have heard myself iterating this phrase and then I suppose reiterating the same saying.  Because I did make a wish and I am, indeed, receiving said wish.

In fact, I did more than send a wish into the Universe.  I crafted an invitation.  An invitation to a celebration, a party if you will in honor of myself.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  I, as in me, myself and I.  A celebration of MY LIFE to coincide with one of my favorita days of the year Summer Solstice (the other favorita days of the year, Winter Solstice).  I crafted this invitation and then sent it out into the Universe to invitees both local and to those who live in what we fondly refer to as the Lower 48, even though there are 49 other states in the Union.  Some folks may be wondering what are we even considering here?  What’s the big deal?  Where’s the problem?  What is this post even about?  Well, read further dear blogging friends and I will further bare my fragile vulnerable underbelly of neurosis.

In sending this invitation, I was telling myself Number One, that I am valuable enough and could possibly be important enough to someone(s)’ that they would/will take time out of their lives to journey North to celebrate my life.  For those invitees from Outside there would/will be the travel expense, which is no small ‘taters.  The moment I hit the send button on my email invitation the anxiety that had already built to about a 4 on a 1-10 scale, hit about an 8.  That old and tired but loud whiny voice of who do you think you are little Missy and you are a selfish self-centered little girl aren’t you today blah blah blah took over.  Thankfully, before this part of me could overtake me and tackle me into the mud, I began receiving responses to my invitation within a half hour of its flight.

Thus, this week has been a life lesson of opening my heart again and again to the love that is there for me to receive.  Although overwhelming, I remind myself that I am a growed up woman, as my adoptive mother used to say about herself.  And a little or even a lot of overwhelm over receiving a lot of love from family and friends is some thing a growed up woman can handle on any given day.

My heart is full.

My heart is full and expanding.

This is where I've been in between my clinical work with clients ~

Oh my gosh, I have been absent for far too long from my beloved blog. My absence has not been due to laziness, lack of interest on my part, being in a pissed off mood at the blogging community or a churlish attitude in general.  Here is the true unvarnished, un-spun, authentic deal ~ I have been ill, very ill, for a very long time.  For over two years now.  I have shared about my Unwanted and Un-invited Bastard Buddy Vertigo (BBV) who swooped in for an extended visit and decided not to depart, right?  Well, nine months ago a new uninvited health hazard Bastard arrived on my doorstep and the BBV invited him into my home and my body.

All of this is to say, that I have been fighting, literally, for my ability to remain in my physical self on this Earth plane.  However, when I finally hit the lowest of my low a couple of months ago, I chose to re-claim my healing and to stop looking outward to supposed “experts” such as Western medicine and naturopaths, etc., who were not helping, to say the very least.  I also made the decision to place the focus of my energies on my spiritual practices and return to my creative writing and visual art, both of which spark my will to live and make the most meaning in my life.  Throughout this entire journey, I have continued to work and provide psychotherapy services to adolescent youth and their families.

I have missed my little blog.  I have missed being a part of the blogging community and the connections I have made here.  I maintain a Facebook account using my legal name, however, due to the nature of my professional life, am not comfortable co-mingling the two worlds.  What I am hoping is that now that I have taken this step of writing a post today that I will be more active once again with my little blog.  Most likely not daily but more frequently than once every quarter.

I am thrilled to report that my creative writing is on fire and there is much movement in that area.  There is goodness in this world and even though my faith and spirits come and go and I am a fickle creature, I do believe that my struggles are not in vain.  Sending out love, compassionate caring and peaceful energy in these early morning hours this Saturday morning.

already here.  the day that was yesterday that was meant to be the other day so that I could write a post on my blog today two days ago.  but it, the day, or more aptly put, the days already have passed.  so quickly.  they are gone.  history.

And so it is

that I am here in this moment writing that I am still here in the blogosphere.  That my blog is always in my heart and never far from my conscious thoughts.  Even when those thoughts and ideas and emotions and happenings and daily minutia and big deals and little ordeals don’t make it onto the screen ~ I am still here.

And so it is

that autumn has returned to the Land of Already Freezing Ground North Land.  The past few days have gifted us with glorious sun.  Golden sun rays that followed weeks of record rain fall, and record windstorms and flooding.

And so it is

that the sun is loved and beloved and cherished

by me.

Big news ~ that little diddy.

And so it is

that I am pleased to write some words on this first day of October.  to write some words on any day actually.  just glad.

My journey continues with me along for the ride.  At times, I am a stroller ~ meandering along, taking little detours here and there, following my heart, listening for the mermaid’s whisper.  Other days, I push my foot down on the pedal and blast down the highway, shouting obscenities at my slower moving travelers, giving them the middle finger while I weave in and out of traffic always seeking the fast lane.

Today, I am doing my laundry.  Attending to the mundane.  Sorting and sifting through bunches of stuff while searching for certain needed paperwork, an employment badge, two beloved pair of earrings that have somehow up and gotten themselves misplaced (damned cheeky of them if you ask me), researching Vitamixers, and upcoming schedules for a certain motivational speaker guru, and doing a bit of online shopping for Buddhist prayer bead necklaces and leather bracelets.

Life has been a journey this summer.  Changes have been afoot.  I am still me.  But I am a changed and changing me.  Meaning, life is unfolding as usual.

I have missed my blog.  So I have returned.

You know that saying, “it may be the martini talking?” This phrase is usually uttered after someone has shared something of import and weight or pure sentimentality to someone who most likely was not receptive to hearing such profundities. Or maybe the recipient felt burdened by the secret suddenly thrust upon them. Or maybe the conferee had heard these particular “special thoughts” multiple times before, always shared after several rounds of libations, and felt used up.

Well this morning I am returning to a recurring theme. Recurring, at least of late. It may be tried and true and getting a bit boring to some around the edges. However, I offer up no soft murmurings of apology nor do I throw on a cloak of guilt for my repetitious meanderings.

For you see, these moments of grace ~ these times of internal peace ~ these days filled with multiple prayers of gratitude sent up to the heavenly universe, by me ~ these seconds of joy-full aliveness ~ all of this comes around not regularly enough these past couple of years.

So when I have a 4-day weekend like the one I am currently enjoying and the stars and the moons and the suns and my spirit all align just perfectly so, I must ~ I just must, write about my grate-full heart that I am the beneficiary of such riches.

It may be my age talking.
Maybe so.
For the saying about the little things in life making life worth living rings truer than true at this juncture in my adulthood.

Yes.
It just may be my age talking.
And I say to myself ~
Talk away ~ hold court ~ sing and dance ~
and revel in life’s abundance.
Yes.
Carry on as you are.

McKenzie over at mommysaidaswearword has given me my first (ever) super (duper) cool blogging award. Wow! Not only did I WIN an award but it was gifted to me by a sister blogger whose words and sharing I respect and utterly appreciate ~ McKenzie makes me laugh out loud and think and ponder ~ all pasttimes that I enjoy.

In accepting the award, I am tasked with sharing seven (7) secrets about myself. That’s a thinker, that task is. I already have the 62 trivial and tantalizing tidbits about myself page to my little blog… But hey, we all harbor secrets, right? Our shadow selves? Our too quirky to still be considered eccentric components. Right?? Okay here goes, the big “reveal” (re-appropriating an HGTV term) ~ hope we’re still buddies at the end ~

1 ~ I haven’t met any kind of goat cheese that I like, so far.

2 ~ I eat popcorn one kernel at a time and have been known to look down upon folks who shovel hand-fulls into their open gaping sometimes still chomping on the last hand-full, mouths. (Yes, I do understand that judging others is wrong. completely wrong minded. twisted. and tainted.)

3 ~ I, along with thousands of others, dread to see babies and little tykes boarding the same airplane that I will be tortured flying on. No matter how cute. or beautiful. the little one is. I feel dread and the internal begging begins, which goes akin to this, “dear god, please oh please oh please oh please, do not have me sitting beside the baby.” (Yes, I do know that it is not the infant’s fault that they cry ~ their poor little ears hurt. And yes, I do know that the tyke who keeps kicking the back of my ill fitting seat is not the devil’s spawn but, instead, a poor wee one who is as sick as I am of being cooped up like an everdead sardine.) I still say the endless loop prayer.

4 ~ When I am really super stressed, I fantasize about the perfect home ~ the location, the floors (polished stained concrete, hardwood, bamboo) ~ the views…

5 ~ I love, as in deeply, love my smart phone. (Yes, I understand that it is wrong minded to love an inanimate object, a mere piece of technology ~ but, I do and what’s more, I tell it so every day).

6 ~ I still do not know what I really look like even though I am more than half way through this life time. Glimpses, here and again. but nothing permanent or lasting.

7 ~ I still miss my first omma.

Well, that went quicker than I imagined it might. The second and last part of receiving this award is sharing 15 blogs that I follow and enjoy. Now, that’s a no problem sort of task. In fact, I am honored to list the following blogs and to encourage folks to check them out ~ some are uber funny, others contemplative in nature ~ but all of them have enriched my life in some fashion or another, time after time. Oh, and remember to check out mymommysaidaswearword afterall, McKenzie is the one who chose me to receive this fantastic award.

Happy reading ~

Terri’s Little Corner

all the elbows

KoreanHapa

Trailer Park Nirvana

Joy the Baker

The Wednesday Chef

My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours

One Crafty Girl!

Burnt Lumpia

Mixed American Life

Roboseyo

Urban Simplicity

Plum Bananas

An Apple A Day

Hello Korea!

Almost.

While I am there and not here, I will be thinking of you little blog.
I will miss you. For sure.

But what’s that they say? Something about absense making the heart grow fonder.
True. At least part of the time.

No. Not buying it?

Well then…
Think of it this other way.
I will be bringing back lots of stories.
Stories about good times had and bad times missed.
Tales that are tall and some that might just be long in the telling.
Vignettes of people not yet met and sunsets not yet set.

I will be back before you know it.
I promise.

Have you heard of the White Coat syndrome? The kind of coat medical doctors wear? And the kind of fear and anxiety that patients sometimes feel and exhibit in the presence of the White Coat wearers? Well I can’t say that I have exactly that kind of fear and anxiety. But my levels of fear and anxiety come close to qualifying as a syndrome.

I am scheduled for an initial visit with a White Coated One later today. A specialist in dizziness and balance.

I am actually scheduled to see him tomorrow as I am writing this post tonight, the night before the scheduled initial visit but am scheduling this post to appear on my little blog tomorrow.

I do this kind of thing of late. Writing my posts ahead of time and scheduling them to post themselves another day. Just in case I am unable to make it to my computer due to my vertigo condition. The condition that is precipitating my dreaded scheduled initial visit with the White Coated One.

Posting regularly on my little blog helps me feel like I am doing well. Like I am capable of keeping my commitments made, if only to myself ~ the commitment still means a lot; to me.

So here’s to the White Coated One being able to help me move forward toward full health.

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