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While perusing Facebook (FB) this morning, I read an entry titled Things I Was Convinced Would Change My Whole Life — But Didn’t. Curiosity. Mine. Hooked. Immediately. The FB author’s list also included things that did change their life. Thoughts. Mine. Whirring.
My list is relatively short, for now, but in the excitement of the moment I have no patience for delayed gratification to achieve a perfect selection. So here goes (in no specific order)…
Did Not Change
- psychic readings ~ not one step closer to discovering my birth family origins or a myriad of other important-to-me stuff; a big step closer to being financially poorer
- tea leaf reading ~ no second child has yet appeared
- cabbage soup diet ~ just say ‘no thank you’ or just plain ‘no’
- running as a sport ~ been there, done that & cannot remember why exactly
- black leather jacket ~ maybe the leather wasn’t ‘buttery’ enough
- years long search for birth family ~ nada
- solo art exhibit ~ momentary rush, only
- down comforter ~ warmth as light as a feather (pun intended)
- stopping smoking cigarettes ~ huge positive change
- my daughter ~ no need to say more
- writing memoir ~ although unpublished (yet), process clarified & aided healing
- Annie Rosa Lee Dog ~ life changing, for sure; taught me joy
- primary relationships ~ at least two, maybe three, truly altered my life’s course; okay maybe four
- earning doctoral degree ~ better late than never
So, there you have it, my lists. At least for now. Something tells me that I will be pondering & adding for a while.
You’re It. Lists, please.
Oh my gosh, I have been absent for far too long from my beloved blog. My absence has not been due to laziness, lack of interest on my part, being in a pissed off mood at the blogging community or a churlish attitude in general. Here is the true unvarnished, un-spun, authentic deal ~ I have been ill, very ill, for a very long time. For over two years now. I have shared about my Unwanted and Un-invited Bastard Buddy Vertigo (BBV) who swooped in for an extended visit and decided not to depart, right? Well, nine months ago a new uninvited health hazard Bastard arrived on my doorstep and the BBV invited him into my home and my body.
All of this is to say, that I have been fighting, literally, for my ability to remain in my physical self on this Earth plane. However, when I finally hit the lowest of my low a couple of months ago, I chose to re-claim my healing and to stop looking outward to supposed “experts” such as Western medicine and naturopaths, etc., who were not helping, to say the very least. I also made the decision to place the focus of my energies on my spiritual practices and return to my creative writing and visual art, both of which spark my will to live and make the most meaning in my life. Throughout this entire journey, I have continued to work and provide psychotherapy services to adolescent youth and their families.
I have missed my little blog. I have missed being a part of the blogging community and the connections I have made here. I maintain a Facebook account using my legal name, however, due to the nature of my professional life, am not comfortable co-mingling the two worlds. What I am hoping is that now that I have taken this step of writing a post today that I will be more active once again with my little blog. Most likely not daily but more frequently than once every quarter.
I am thrilled to report that my creative writing is on fire and there is much movement in that area. There is goodness in this world and even though my faith and spirits come and go and I am a fickle creature, I do believe that my struggles are not in vain. Sending out love, compassionate caring and peaceful energy in these early morning hours this Saturday morning.
that’s what Natalie Goldberg, my favorite of all time writer gurus says, just write. Just do it, man. or in my case, woman. Put pen to paper. Finger tips to keyboard. Pencil to cardboard. Fingers to the air. Just do it. Right now. Right here. No excuses. No stopping. No monkey mind. That’s what Goldberg calls that part of our brain that distracts us and pulls us right and left up and down and then all zig zaggy. When all the time, our original intention was to sit down and write out a page or two or ten or the poem of our life.
This Saturday evening, I am attending a Literary Salon. Sounds fancy, huh? At least it does to me. I joined a local writer’s group earlier this year, it could have been last year, it was in the dark months of winter that much I remember. I am not much of a joiner in the way of joining groups. I used to be. A joiner of political groups. I railed against all sorts of human injustices and fought hard for human and individual rights for a long long time. And then I grew weary.
Back to my current subject of the fancy sounding upcoming Literary Salon. I am excited. Nervous. But more excited. The event is being held at someone’s home whom I have never met. And here’s the really cool and brave part, I volunteered to read some of my writing. The organizers were looking for 10 volunteers to read 5 minutes of their work. Since most of my essays are more than two pages long, I quickly decided to read a few selections from my body of erotica poetry. That is, until I spoke with the main organizer who informed me that there will be children present. Good to know. So onto Plan B. or Actually C.
I have chosen four other poems to read and have been practicing the timing of the reading and introduction to the pieces to fit within the five minute allotment. Five minutes goes by really fast!
This will be good for me. Meeting other writers. Being inspired by their work in progress. Sharing a part of myself that has been dormant for far too long.
So I have returned to my roots and busted out my beloved guru’s books, Writing Down the Bones and Wild Mind. They have inspired me for many years and continue to remind me of my first love ~ words, writing and the telling of stories. Utter bliss. Just write. So right.
My journey continues with me along for the ride. At times, I am a stroller ~ meandering along, taking little detours here and there, following my heart, listening for the mermaid’s whisper. Other days, I push my foot down on the pedal and blast down the highway, shouting obscenities at my slower moving travelers, giving them the middle finger while I weave in and out of traffic always seeking the fast lane.
Today, I am doing my laundry. Attending to the mundane. Sorting and sifting through bunches of stuff while searching for certain needed paperwork, an employment badge, two beloved pair of earrings that have somehow up and gotten themselves misplaced (damned cheeky of them if you ask me), researching Vitamixers, and upcoming schedules for a certain motivational speaker guru, and doing a bit of online shopping for Buddhist prayer bead necklaces and leather bracelets.
Life has been a journey this summer. Changes have been afoot. I am still me. But I am a changed and changing me. Meaning, life is unfolding as usual.
I have missed my blog. So I have returned.
Talk with me
and share with me
those things that you hold dear.
Let us exchange the delight in our respective lives. Tell of the beauty I behold when I look deeply into your eyes. Let us build on the excitement of the spark that ignites when two minds meet and mine the gold of their hearts.
Let us talk and talk
and we will build castles in the sky and in the sand, complete with bridges
traversing our hearts our minds our souls.
Let us go deep
into the valleys the interior landscape and the shadowed unknown.
Exploring plumbing searching
We will be amazed
over and over
again, with treasures discovered. Long lost and sort of forgotten
Talk with me.
Some days you are the hammer and some days you are the nail.
And then some days you are the gorgeous piece of art displayed from the hammered nail.
Some days there is enough beauty to go around to everyone. More than eye candy. More like heart and soul candy. Savor those days, my friends. Savor the beauty.
This past weekend, I had the honor of attending a mesmerizing performance at the local art center. The story line centered on the friendship built between two men who hailed from different cultures and social contexts. Two men on a stage led the audience on the journey of their friendship through the years against a backdrop of gorgeous and breathtaking photography and video. One of the men was killed in the pursuit of his passion, wildlife and outdoor photography, and the remaining friend wrote a book which was subsequently adapted for the performance art piece.
In the play’s program the director wrote about the “shallow and deep simplicity of friendship.” He likened friendship to a river that we “often cross shallowly.” He wrote that “[T]oo often we fail to see it [friendship] with the significance it deserves. Simple friendship has depths that cannot be plumbed.”
These words and the strong thought and emotion provoking dialogue between these friends have taken up their fair share of my head space this week. Gotten me reflecting on the unremarkable and the remarkable aspects of my everyday friendships and the sustenance that each relationship brings to my life. There are the friendship brooks and creeks, burbling and percolating along; the ones that mirror huge crashing waves of both ecstasy and despair; the streams that fill to overflowing in the spring and freeze up tight in the winter; the deep broad still lakes mirroring back who I am and the lay of the land; and ponds, some spilling over that may one day become a lake and other ponds that have shrunk and are in the process of drying up from seasons of drought.
Some are ripe for plumbing the depths with the hope of revealing new treasure. Others already plumbed, some with slightly disappointing results and others that inspired a big huge shazaaaam. Not all friendships are meant to be plumbed but instead are transitory in their very nature ~ their gift made richer by their impermanence.
I love the meandering creeks and eddies, the written word and the performance art pieces that live on in lively and quiet debates ~ the internal plumbing of the soul, psyche and heart.
A few weeks ago I wrote about the idea of creating time in a box. My post today includes additional notes I jotted down in my personal journal to help me toward creating my very own time in a box ~
On Joy the Baker’s blog, she posted about her time in a capsule project that she and a friend undertook. They each placed several mementos in a box with attached notes about the item and then wrapped the box and tied it with twine to be opened 7 years in the future. I like this idea. And have been thinking about it for a couple of days.
What is keeping me from creating my time in a box? For it is clear that something is preventing me from doing so. I get excited; feel the excitement viscerally and then… nothing. I put on the brakes. Get stuck. Glued in place. Paralysis sets in.
A very familiar process that has been repeated multiple times in multiple ways throughout my life but with the same result ~ a stymied creative spirit, a damming of creative juices and subsequently a pervasive depressed soul.
So what can I do that can move me toward action, if only a baby step or two?
Time Box Items
1. A lock of my purple hair to remind me that even in my 50’s I still have a sense of stylish fun;
2. A copy of my paystub so I can remember where I was working in 2011;
3. A photograph of my living room or a portion thereof to help me remember where I called home;
4. A photograph of my art supplies on my long birch art table to help me remember that I was an artist even when I was not producing any tangible pieces;
5. My adoptive Mama’s salt shaker, the clear glass one with blue paint circles and metal cap to remind me that this was the year in which I made a major major change in my diet and went super low sodium;
6. A self taken photograph of me so I can see how I have changed in the ensuing 7 years;
7. A photograph of me with my daughter, the grandkiddos, and the rest of my clan to keep safe in a box for 7 years even though I cannot guarantee their safety in the world outside.
So here is proof of artistic life.
One baby step at a time.
I went for a little visit over at http://www.joythebaker.com/blog/2011/12/make-a-time-capsule/. And since then, Joy’s idea of creating a time capsule has been popcorning around in my head.
Popcorning, careening, burbling and marinading
Since I have barely been able to stifle my creative self’s unmitigated joy and enthusiasm for this project, it looks highly possible that I will be fashioning a time capsule of my very own.
I love the idea of intentionally placing mementos and reminders of my life today into a receptacle that will not be opened or peeked at for seven whole years. In our short human lifespan, a lot of life and living is crammed into seven years. A whole of experiences, ups and downs, ins and outs, progress toward goals, shape shifting and imagined dreams.
As well as a whole lot of forgetting of daily living, goals identified that prove to be so fleeting one cannot recall them seven years in the future. Yes, the body of what I remember is not as large as what I have forgotten in my conscious mind.
What a great project idea and the timing is impeccable. Don’t you think?
Let’s do it!
Let’s make our own time capsules!
Thank you, Joy, for the suggestion ~