I was reminded yesterday of my wish to become a capable equestrian. Okay, maybe I never had a fullblown drive to become an accomplished polo player or anything like that but learning how to ride a horse comfortably without fear of the horse, the height of the saddle and my butt in the saddle, or being dragged along on the ground with my foot caught in the stirrup (like it did in real life at Bible camp when I was a kid), or the horse hating my guts the entire time my butt was sitting in the saddle ~ yep all of that was on my list of wanting to accomplish in this lifetime.
All of the above flashed through my mind’s eye when I drove by the horse farm up the road from the Compound. And right on the heels of this remembering my horse riding wish was the realization that I no longer have that desire, that the goal of one day learning to ride a horse competently has been left behind. as in fallen off (pun intended) my list of want-to-do-in-this-go-round-of-life.
I guess there is a movie about old people’s ‘bucket lists.’ I haven’t seen the movie so I am not sure where the term ‘bucket list’ comes from but I think I understand its use. The things we shove off for future learning or experiences or opportunities, those things would be in the bucket. I don’t really picture my future quasi-goals being hauled around in a bucket, that’s not such an appealing image and I am very visual in my imaginings. But I could picture them bobbing above me in a big purple balloon or orange bubble of some kind.
Be that as it may, back to the items or goals that have been eliminated, left behind as the years have/are passing. I used to totally want and believed that I would become an accomplished skydiver. For my 30th and 40th birthdays, respectively, I thought I would skydive to commemorate my birth and even went as far as setting up tandem jumps on those dates. But then the weather uncooperated, making it impossible on those days. And now I am realizing that the desire has lessened. That the idea of jumping out of the airplane, free falling and then being jerked skyward as the shoot opens, and becoming buoyant, all of that is less compelling. skydiving is being left behind.
Of course, there are other hoped for experiences being added to the purple balloon or orange bubble as I continue living this life. But this morning I am reflecting on the changes, the deletions, the goals and dreams that have been somewhere along the way left behind. These leavings are not necessarily sad but are surprising to fully recognize. Letting go and adjusting to the reality of life happens. Some people call it maturity. others call it giving up or giving into what is. The way I see it this morning, it’s all about change, about not stagnating, about culling through and cutting what doesn’t fit anymore, about acceptance of what is and who I am in this moment. not yesterday but today. and the truth is, not everything can come with me. some things get left behind.