I have this persistent thing I do that gets in the way of my enjoying the here and now. I count. I count the days or weeks to figure out how much more time I have to enjoy whatever it is that I am doing in the moment. Like being in the Unfrozen (for now) North Land for this summer. I started counting before I even arrived at the gorgeous and outrageously over the budget local airport. and the counting continues, every day, through out my day. The counting includes getting out my calendar, flipping open my cell which has the calendar on its face ~ for now I am counting the weeks.
Don’t get me wrong. I am enjoying a lot of my time here in the Land of the Midnight Sun, even though we haven’t seen a lot of the big yellow ball in the sky so far. But I can’t help but wonder how much more I might appreciate my days if I did not do this counting thing.
And the counting thing morphs into a another mental occupation as well. It goes like this. When my beloved dog companion came into my life when she was 9 weeks old, I immediately set about worrying about the day she would die. This worry wore all sorts of masks. I would calculate the number of seasons she would be with me if she lived until X or Y date. I would get all misty eyed watching her run and frolick and swim, her favorite, dreading the day when she might not be able to be so active. This worrying and counting and dreading didn’t keep me from loving her but I think these intrusive thoughts and worry were pretty much worth-less. When the day arrived that the world’s best dog companion died, my grief was not lessened one iota nor was I any more prepared to let her go than if I had simply expended all of the worry and dreading and counting energies on loving her even more while she was here on earth with me. and since her death, I now do this counting dreading thing with my SO.
So today I am reflecting on what this counting thing began as ~ what purpose did it originally serve in my life. Maybe it began as a means to keep me in the here-and-now by reminding me that I had more time left to do or be wherever or whatever I was doing or being. But now I overuse the technique and it is actually backfiring and taking me out of the moment and adding a dose of anxiety to boot.
Time to percolate on alternative means and methods. Time to let go. Time to be here.