A while back, C over at all the elbows [I would put a proper link here if I knew how] blogspot, got me interested in how people find our blogs. What search engine words or terms are used that ultimately lead folks to our blog. Once there, the searcher might think hey, I just struck gold or dang, that was a wasted effort.
Yesterday someone searched for “writing with asian Accent” and arrived at my blog. I am now left to mull that idea over. and over. My first thought, or reaction really, was Great, here’s one more Asian thing that I cannot do. Being adopted and losing the Korean language has marked me as a permanent outsider to traditional Korean speakers. I have posted before about my numerous attempts to learn my native tongue and my ensuing frustration. At times I have been despairing of ever reclaiming this cornerstone to my identity as I have struggled to no avail to make my lips, tongue, and vocal chords speak Korean.
Traditional Koreans have regularly found me lacking, shaking their heads, clucking while telling me that I am not a true Korean once they discover my language deficiency. Now, I wonder if my written words also reveal my poverty of Korean-ness, as well as when I open my mouth and speak.
There is this Third Land I hang out in ~ the one where I claim membership in the world of Korean adoptees. But the truth is that my feeling of belonging even in this group is fleeting. I still often feel like the short chubby brown girl standing in the hot humid autumn Maryland sun, hoping against hope, to not be the cheese in the Farmer in the Dell singing game. The cheese if you remember, is what the mouse on Farmer Dell’s farm chooses at the end of the game. The last one. Nobody wants to be Farmer Dell’s mouse and absolutely no kid wants to be the mouse’s chunk of cheese.
I wonder if this Land of Not Belonging that I carry with me ~ it’s a magical place that moves with me ~ is due, in part, to my adoptee status. or if I am one of those kinds of folks who would never have felt a sense of belonging-ness no matter what my origins. But for today, I am still kicking around the written word ~ my own written words ~ and the possibility, or not, of them carrying even a hint of an Asian accent.