another nor’wester is about to hit the Attic and me.  Yup.  Another winter rain storm is slated to bluster in just about now, bringing with it more rain, thunder and lightening, and strong gusts of invisible air currents.  As for me, I think my inner spirit is sturdy enough to withstand this mighty barrage. 

The New Year’s Eve midnight knowing that I wrote about on the first, remains with me and has me feeling capable of doing what is needed toward my goal of finishing my dissertation and this degree.  In fact, this inner confidence encompasses my postdoctoral search as well.  After all the gnashing of teeth, biting of fingernails, and heartburn that I put myself through these past months, I will say that this current knowing is like a respite in the storm. 

This knowing that I speak of is not an overly fed ego, cocky on too much unearned bravado.  Nor does it resemble empty pie in the sky (what exactly does that mean?) grandiose dreams.  This knowing just is ~

Even in the moments when I can feel a freak out about to ignite, brought on by a ‘how do I’ or ‘how can I’ or ‘is there really enough time’ or a ‘I don’t think my dissertation committee really believes I can finish by April 1st.’  What is relievingly absent from these potentially upsetting thought loops is the self doubt, the disbelief in my worthiness of earning this degree.  Gone are the self recriminating put downs of ‘who do you think you are that you could earn a doctoral degree’ and ‘any minute now, someone is going to discover you don’t belong’ and ‘you’ve done it now, you’ve gone too far.’  These thoughts are what my second reader on my committee aptly calls the imposter syndrome.

I am no imposter.  I am here for the duration, armed with knowledge, experience, and wisdom and prepared to stand strong through the storms.  I am a hearty soul.