snowy-trees.jpg  revisiting.  a return.  to my familia.  to my Alaskan roots.  and now, the coming back to my Berkeley life   because there is one, a life here in California  that I live when I am far from my family.  As I write that sentence, I am somewhat startled and just a little amazed that this grappling with leaving home continues after 4-1/2 years.  I am, after all, a half-century into this life and I am the one who took the leave and chooses each and every time I board the airplane headed south, to take my leave over and over again.  So what is there to keep thrashing around about?  what is the struggle?  I am secure in the love my family gives me and believe that they feel mine.  So, whether or not we remain in close physical proximity shouldn’t factor into the equation.  Ahhhh, those equations.  I have never been good with math   with those things that are just because an equation or algorithm says so.

I just returned from a little trip to the grosh (aka grocery).  There is a breeze gently blowing and you know what?  it is warm   a warm breeze.  In Alaska at the moment, the breeze is not warm.  But I guess even temperatures are relative as just this past week, we experienced snow and then rain.  The winds that accompanied the rain one day were what we call Chinook winds ~ that blessed warmer than icy blasts that carry with it humidity and a big dose of spring-like promise.  This morning though, the warm breeze I felt on my face was the kind where my body relaxes and says ‘ahhhhhhh, how lovely.’ 

At first blush, weather comparisons might seem like I am sidestepping the more serious discussion of where family and home reside but I beg to differ.  After living in Alaska for the majority of my life, weather holds a much bigger priority in my life decisions.  It takes a hearty soul to withstand winter after winter in dark and frigid conditions.  I have a hearty soul.  This hearty soul, however, has discovered warmth and winter light.  But one of the remaining questions is, is that enough? 

What I know today is that on a cold and windy day last week when I was tramping about on the downtown Alaskan sidewalks with my daughter and granddaughter, I held a small brown hand in my bigger brown hand and my heart was happy.  Earlier today with the warm breeze on my face, my face was happy.  My heart is still taking measure and its verdict remains out. 

   ~ [photograph courtesy of Google images]

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