the calendar month of August named after a Greek God Augusta. Actually I have no idea how the name came about but that myth sounds just as good as any. Whatever the origin or whichever God/dess who inspired the name, the month’s energy remains the same for this blogger. This month holds the anniversary of much loss in my lifetime – my adoptive father’s and mother’s deaths (different years), my beloved dog companion’s death, and I do believe it is the month that my first mother and I were separated. Although the grief over these departures and endings is less intense than in the past, the losses refuse to be denied and I am caught in grief’s web. Not in a vise grip this year though – more like blowing about, up and down, emotions not spiraling or peaking – more muted this go round.
In less than a month I will be returning to my life in Berkeley. I will continue on the educational and career path that I set upon four Augusts ago. As a friend reminded me, I am on the 12-month countdown in earning this degree. Not a minute too soon and maybe a minute or two beyond my tolerance level.
The summer is sweeping along or actually the moments are flying by and it is me that is being swept along on the tide of days and numbers assigned to those days. The disser is coming along, being pushed uphill by my flabby out-of-shape arms. If it weren’t for my increasing body size and girth, the project might be snowballing downhill but so far the typed pages keep increasing. Another writing installment is due to my disser chair by this evening. I am almost there but not quite – I wouldn’t want to do anything early, right?
Spending time with my daughter and her familia has been a balancing act and I have tottered and teetered across this very tight rope – sometimes wishing that I would just allow myself to take the big plunge right off the edge and into a ‘live life to the fullest in the moment and disser be-damned’ pool. What has kept me wobbling across the rope is the distinct intuitive flash of a hard rock landing following the free fall versus a cool refreshing diving pool.